Dear Mr. Trump,
I hope this letter finds you with your hair in a satisfactory condition.
I wanted to tell you that I have been watching you from afar, from Finland to be exact. Several seasons of your wonderful show the Apprentice have been broadcast in my remote country, and I will not hesitate to claim myself as a fan. You, Mr. Trump, have a very special talent for entertainment. I am particularly grateful for the Celebrity Apprentice episodes featuring Brett Michaels and Dennis Rodman. My husband and I have found them a great source of amusement and comfort during the long and dark hours of the Finnish winter.
But if the Apprentice is a sirloin steak, you, Sir, are the tenderloin. You are clearly the star of this show and have so many times turned a boring evening to a festival of merriment with your scintillating quips and the manifestations of your strong personality.
During the recent months it has come to my attention that you are running for president in your country of abode. I took this information in with feelings of perplexity, since up till that time I had only been familiar with your illustrious business career and the fascinating television show you’d created. You see, in my country the people who run for president generally have years of experience and relevant training in the political field. The candidates who do not fill these criteria usually have only a limited audience, perhaps in the area of 1% of voters. So I was pleasantly surprised to find that you are supported by such large numbers of your countrymen, since you obviously have a lot to give.
I wanted to commend your stance on immigration in particular. You have clearly researched the subject well, and realized that the Mexicans, much like Omarosa, can be quite obnoxious at times. Although, I have to admit that before you clarified this issue for me with your straight-forward views, I sometimes had my doubts.
Sometimes in the long winter hours when the candles had blown out and the world had gone dark, I even wondered if some Mexicans may not work a lot harder for your country than some of the esteemed participants in the Apprentice. But I now realize that producing great pop music is demanding, particularly when all the pressures of celebrity and the income taxes weigh on you.
Luckily it is at least true that the Mexicans work in dirtier industries, and perhaps this is how you could find value in these people. In my country the dirty work is usually done by Somali doctors and lawyers, for which I thank them heartily.
Once you are elected, I am sure things will improve. Secretly I find myself hoping that you will pronounce: “Mexico, you’re fired!” And then you can move on to the pleasant task of gifting these valuable employment opportunities for your real countrymen, the ones who have lived in your beautiful country for a longer time. (Naturally I am not referring to the Injuns, whose role is probably best confined to the appointed reservoirs).
I do think it is most unfair how you have been critiqued about your attitude towards women. I distinctly remember the appreciative looks you’ve thrown towards women throughout the episodes of the Apprentice. You have had lovely women on the show, so who could blame you? You also have such a charming secretary, and the accidental physical assets she might possess should not be used against you personally.
To speak quite frankly, I envy her job. I would love to spend all my days sitting at a desk, only intermittently uttering the phrase: “Mr. Trump will see you now,” a lovely reserved smile on my lips, like I was opening the gates to paradise. I could definitely do this job, so if you ever need another secretary, please know that I am available and have the necessary skills and inclination for this position.
I do believe that your love of women is similar to the love that I have for kittens. I find kittens absolutely adorable, and enjoy spending time with them greatly. Sometimes I even tell them my sorrows while patting their soft fur. They have their own strengths, such as purring affectionately, and playing in an amusing manner with a ball of yarn. They are the cutest things. But it is best to keep them inside the home, or they might get into all kinds of trouble. The world is too big and scary for them, and kittens need to be protected and cherished. Else they might be run over by a speeding presidential candidate.
But as much as I like kittens, I do not believe that a kitten should run a country. It just wouldn’t work, since a kitten has very little brainpower, and a country needs to be run by someone clever and strong. Someone like you, Mr. Trump.
Please convey my warmest regards for your lovely wife Melania. The whole world knows how much value she keeps finding in your pursenality. She is so lucky to have you, and must certainly feel like she possesses a great and valuable treasure in you. I do not wish to sound presumptuous, but I feel that it is incumbent upon me to add that if the world should ever tear you atwain, it would make me very happy to apply for this position, too.
I will pray for you, Mr. Trump. Every day, I will pray for you. We shall overcome these Mexicans and their supporters.
Forever unwavering in my esteem for you, Sir, and the Apprentice, I remain your loyal and devoted servant, and apprentice,